Remembrance

Dearest love of mine,

I write to you in hopes that warmth and sleep is nothing but a swoop away.

The sun will soon be out of hiding and the moon shall dwarf in the grandeur of the day

and here i am waiting for each illuminated ray to blossom out before my head hits the pillow,

you see, dreams- they scream of the longings we whisper in wake,

but it frightens me how drowning those screams in songs, laughter and tears,

even with eyes wide open, is in all sense impossible,

and so I cover my mouth and coo to my throat

“I know you are tired,” I say the same to my eyes,

“But I am scared that madness may lay ahead of screaming”

i follow through,

For madness and I never do well,

But you see, I leave my door open for you to walk in whenever you please,

And through the same door, my sanity walks out to search for you,

I’d like to think,

Because I have become the days when rains are gone,

and a gentle breeze is everyone’s lust,

because I choke those infront of me,

with words and sometimes eyes,

everyone else would like to think,

Company like milk gone sour,

sanity and sleep would never want,

it is madness that smiles wide at broken sighs and deformed cries,

but you see madness and I never do well,

And so I swing from the pendulum,

neither back nor forth,

just waiting.

lips parted, tongue hovering,

the formation of the letter ‘a’

just waiting

to chant your name innumerably,

to yank sanity back inside with you,

to shut the door and lock it thrice,

to rest my throat,

to rest my eyes.

You 1.0

Unbothered by darkness,

depth nor height, words nor power-

of sea, of construct, of the liars, of the merciless,

Longing to me came  in forms of the need

for fear above the rattling of the window sill-

a stormy sky’s caress (silver lines of fright against inky canvas smeared,

with nothing but promises of peace and sleep)

 

Untill

 

Rain became nothingness,

thunder- a tinkering against the glass pane,

banging doors- the house breathing in the breeze,

the gravel under my knees- a cushion

the clouds- a masterpiece

the screams- a celebration

my heart- a puddle

my breath- a longing

 

My fear now lies in loss-

of the absence of the blanket against my ears and eyes,

of the encompassing peace, of answered confessions,

of a love that suffices

 

My life has been a series of longing

of the right things for the wrong reasons

and in breathing the perfect fragility of our lattice,

I have learnt to long for the wrong things for the right reason.

 

My fear now lies

in the loss

of you.

Mindless Mumbling 3.0

Skidding around thoughts of you: setting up sail against the wind, pressing opposite magnets together- a constant battle to infinity, the putting together.
Blaming games make way through the valleys of my head, sense seems fleeting, just a mouth forming words, making no sound, stumbling, stumbling, breathless. With broken wings, looking for the pieces of puzzles I dropped in a hurry to get to you, keys I never found to locks that always remained clasped against my chest.
Maps through roads that were never made, lists remain empty, hearts on a standstill, sweat on brows from burials, and burials of skin.
Cold palms, cold finger tips, cold tongues, cold words, cold hearts- all searching for that warmth that resides right under the neck- a light drawn straight between the ribs.
Angry fists against cement walls, two cigarettes, four, seven, seventeen! Sheets in fists, expanding minuscule details, seeing too much with sighs and footsteps, shadows against the walls, recalling memories that never were made. It isn’t “lonely” that screeches my ears numb, its the idea of being anywhere without you that makes my heart drop down an endless loop.
Kissing alcohol bottles, chewing on coffee beans, another cigarette lit, and another. Something or the other I could be sure that lingers on your lips.
I could have sworn your heart just beat mundane and your hands just held and your eyes just saw and yet I tore open my chest for you for it was the warmest place I knew for you to hide.
And the nights were a celebration of your existence and the mornings were the ritual for attaining your love.
Between the shadows, between the hidden, between the sins, between the sighs, between the ribs- all hidden, all hiding, that’s how I loved you.
Daydreaming, piling up each and every wish that sprouted like weed in the vacant plains on the innards of my chest, soul smiling, heart aching.
It felt like a cosmo. A painful, erupted cosmo that looked so beautiful. Kindling a heartfelt desire to want to touch it but burned too fast, too hard, too painful, too much with pleasure singed across every edge.
This is just a ribbon against the stack of words the idle tongue stumbles against and never says out too loud but in whispers.
To which I add another note with every beat of the stereo, every puff, every exhale.

Invisible.

The composition lay withered, stained and crumpled among feet who knew not the love that squelched under them,
For you were blind to the way a smile flirted along my lips as it dribbled down my lips and against the sheets I caressed long after my fingers learnt to emanate it out of my piano,
The twirls and swirls as I danced were never met with any eyes. They lowered themselves into their own grave, chanting hymns. The best eulogy to ever be conjured!
For you saw not as my skin burned and sizzled, as it melted down my bones aching for rest,
The poems and letters that I wrote with my blood-for ink runs out and can not draw strength from my heart-lay in boxes with padlocks that never had any keys. Decaying, molding, smelling like the same death that you plagued my soul with.
For you cared not for rhymes nor for words that shimmered pixie dust onto emotions,
The black frames lay in my room, dust nodes dancing with the stale air I had once exhaled out with the smoke-praying for flowers to grow into my lungs, praying for them to throttle me! Medicines burned and burned and yet I still breathed,
For to you, I was invisible as I stared at each curve and dip on your jaw. Eons and seconds trickling away, as I closed my eyes and mixed all the colors on canvas that made you the brilliantly blinding rainbow that you were in my eyes.
But you said the color hurt your eyes and I complied to your wish to paint them with nothingness.
To make them invisible.
To make them like me.

Exhaling Ghosts.

The cigarettes rolled between my thumb and finger. I was unsure how to go about it, she said I made her want to smoke and yet there she was staring right ahead.
As if on cue, she lit up her cigarette with her hideously pink lighter that didn’t look half bad in her hand.
I looked at those eyes that held galaxies waiting to be explored tracing the smoke ghosting out of her cigarette.
Eyes unwavering, I shivered as the first tingle rushed through my body, a slow dance with my nerves.
Mouth pressed in a tight line, I followed her eyes and looked at the twinkling streets, pinpricks of light shimmering against the pitch black.
It seemed as if God had dropped glitter.
The silence shimmered between us, the smoke wafting out of our mouths mingling with each other, unable to resist.
I would never say the first word, she had to cradle me between burning fingers and bear each thorn before the façade melted but I could see how she cooed with her burns, I could see her nose upturned in pride at their blooming colors and so I let her.
‘Would you really rush out?’ she crooned and there fell the last crusty facade I held so dearly to myself.
Unapologetic, she had asked me to be, and I could do nothing but comply.
Frantic tentacles of who lived in the dark came crashing out of my chest and the tar that weighed down my lungs no longer seemed to suffocate me, the throbbing in my temples no longer blinded me to my own words, my clumsy feet and weak knees seemed like they would urge me to climb mountains.
She looked at me suddenly as i dropped my gaze, it would do me no use for her to see the awe I had for her so raw and naked.
‘Ya know.. The smoke kinda looks like a ghost,’
She always saw more, said more.
‘I’d like to think it is,
Takes little by little that resides inside us.
Slaughters it.
And there it goes..
Out of us.’
‘And when we exhale, it takes some of our demons along.’
She had ways of tearing into my chest and rattling the poetic part of me I liked to believe I had throttled ages ago.
‘I’m going to light up another one’ she spoke quickly, tripping over her words.
I hid a smile with another puff.
She reminded me of kids who would forget they were crying for a grazed knee, how they held each wound up for inspection with nothing but angst in their eyes, who laughed to the fullest with everyone without knowing the reason. Of kids who were the showcase for every emotion that ever existed.
She had accomplished way more than I had in the time we spent together and yet her laughter rung out louder, her words tripped out faster, her words always meant more.
And I knew if I threw my arms up in the air, she would throw them up higher, if I shook my hair, hers would go wild, if I shouted out my lungs she wouldn’t stop until she was hoarse.
For she heard my music the way I did.

‘You’re not going to light up another one?’ she said with eyes shining brighter than the glitter she couldn’t keep her eyes off of and I smiled and shook my head, the words I was dying to say refusing to let go of the tip of my tongue.
While I made her want to smoke, she made me want to replace one poison with another.
And she knew and so she smiled too.

Haze

Even with sleep pressing it’s heavy fingers down my eyelids, pinning me to the ground, I would feel your presence beside me.
The tingle, the shiver, the static. It seeps into my bones in your wake.

I want to intertwine fingers with yours but they halt.. Because I know questions have their vise like grip around your throat, I know you need to know.

So I’ll let you know.

My arms are not strong, but they have always known the warmth they seek belongs to your body. They know where they have to be if you fall.

I have memorized each dip of your body, each curve. I have painted your face too often, ruined the bristles of my brush retracing the swell of your lip. I have run my fingertips along your eyes over pictures so often, they know their way around without my help.

And yet you think if you broke into a trillion and one pieces, I wouldn’t be able to put you back?

From the million voices, from the sounds that roared in my head, from the eyes that probed the doors to my soul,
Your voice,
The envy of wind chimes.
Your comfort,
The inspiration of countless lovers
Your eyes.
Stars twinkle in shame.
I know where I found home.

And go and run away where you must. I could find you no matter where you got lost. A heart can not lose that with which it is attuned.

And hate yourself for who you are. Doubt all you must. If you forgot your essence, I would stand before you, a reflection of what you were, I would teach you with first word again, I would hold your finger and help your first step, I would witness your first sight.
I would do it all.
Darling, I would take away the haze.

Muse inspiration.

Everything.

To every question that I once didn’t find the answer to,
to the nights I spent staring at the stars restlessly,
to the streets I walked without knowing my destination,

the day you smiled at me with those eyes staring right into my soul
and my heart stopped for a minute,
knowing it would never be the same again,

I knew the answer I was searching for years was you.

And I could swear that in our silence,
I heard cosmos in your presence.

Because no matter how far I walked from your doorstep, no matter how many times I slammed the door of your house shut for myself,
I sat from across the street,
praying to everything I knew of power
for you to not give up on me.

And so I pluck all the maybes about forevers
that snake into the air when I dream of you at night
and form a necklace out of them

‘Can I be your someone?’ you asked me.
And the mirth bubbled out of me
as my blood skipped and jumped
Jumped within the walls of my heart
and spelled
‘Everything’
under my skin

And I said nothing
and smiled
Thinking of how I named days
Months
Years
A memory of yours
To give meaning in my life